Ladies and gentlemen... it has been a minute!! I feel like there's nothing new to share, but at the same time I feel like I will never have enough space to type it all out. The last few months have been such an interesting turn of events from what I had been expecting.
Up until a week or so ago, I had been struggling a lot with Madagascar. There has been so much out of my control through this whole thing, that I have been feeling so discouraged. Because of this, I have not been diligent about reaching out and spreading awareness about the dire state of the country, God's mission for me, and the amazing work He has been doing in my heart while I wait for the opportunity to be obedient. And then because of my lack of diligence, I have been feeling ashamed and like I have failed the Shattenburgs and my supporters by not being there already, or by being unfaithful in my communication.
This all came to a head last week when I went for a drive to pray. Praying in my car is always such a rewarding and sweet time and God has been really faithful in meeting me where I'm at on those drives. I feel so free to be honest, like brutally honest, with Him. Even though I know He already knows my thoughts and feelings fully, sometimes I have a hard time expressing them at home or through journalling. This time, I knew we needed to talk because I'd been feeling distant from Him for a while. As I began to cry and just pour my heart out to God, I felt an emotion I hardly ever deal with: anger.
For those of you who may not know, I am not an angry person. I deal with anger so infrequently, that when I realized what I was feeling, I didn't know how to process or express it. One of the biggest lessons that God has been teaching me over the last year is to let go of my white-knuckled grip on my plans. If I truly want Him to infest and saturate my life, I have to give Him control. But during that drive, I was so angry that nothing has gone my way over the last year. After letting me throw a temper tantrum (straight up toddler style), I felt two things. First, it felt so much better to just be honest about where I was at instead of holding it in and feeling bitter against God. Second, I felt such a sense of peace and acceptance. He knows that I sometimes struggle with feeling lonely or disappointed in myself for not doing more. He knows that I feel behind my peers simply because I haven't started school again. But He also knows that if I had my way, my life would be a fraction of the fullness He offers.
Did that one drive solve all my problems with Madagascar and feeling out of control? Of course not. But I feel confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I just got a new job at EIRMC's Behavioral Health Center, and it is such an answer to prayers! I also had a couple really encouraging conversations with my WorldVenture team and the Shattenburgs, which has ignited my passion and excitement to continue preparing for God to open doors (whenever that will be!)